Enough

The word “enough” keeps coming up. All I can think of is that terrible Jennifer Lopez movie, and I wish a different word had found me. It’s everywhere right now. It’s in conversations with my husband, friends, small group, counselor, and even in the music I’m listening to. As much as I’d prefer something else, here I am, facing this idea of “enough”.

When I take a quick scan of my life, I find some major themes. First, I see lots of performance and achievement. I remember some of my first moments of praise. And I remember experiences where I felt so small without that beloved affirmation. Second, I find a ton of discontentment in my story. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to do, be, and have more. I was never quite satisfied with my appearance or my talents. And third, I look back and see so much good.

These themes feel conflicting. If I quiet myself and reflect, I think, “Why was I so hard on myself? Why wasn’t I ever satisfied?” There’s no major trauma in my past, no heavily painful experiences. And still, I find myself pushing 30 with a whole lot of mess to sift through.

Something is happening now, though. God is calling my attention to these themes, these unhealthy ideas planted in my personhood. And for the first time, I think real change could be coming. I think he’s trying to silence the shouts of “more” and fill me up with “enough”. You see, I have to get a hold of this concept. I have to understand being enough and having enough and doing enough…or I will lose my freaking mind.  

Like a lot of the world, I’ve been studying the Enneagram. I’ve come to terms with being a type 3, and I’m finally seeing things as they are. This process feels personal and complicated, but hopeful. As I said, the word “enough” is coming up everywhere. Before I really had a grasp on my Enneagram type, I was hearing it. And now, as I learn more, it makes a lot of sense. This word has been quietly resting in me for most of my life, but other louder words have taken over. I’m listening better. I’m listening to Jesus and his people, and I’m slowly getting it.

One of my favorite musicians, Sleeping at Last, has added to the hopefulness I need right now. Since college, the music of Sleeping at Last has marked every big moment. I walked down the aisle to his music, I write primarily to the tune of his creations, and I cried through his songs of parenthood when we met Bo. Recently, Sleeping at Last has been writing songs for each of the Enneagram types. This past Friday, he released his third installment in the series, Three. You guessed it – this is my song.

I have struggled to see God’s care and faithfulness these days. As I listened to the words and melody of Three, I sensed God’s nearness in a strong way. For those who create – if you write words or music, if you paint or get on a stage – please don’t stop. The ministry of creativity has been healing and powerful in my life, and I will forever be thankful for the gifts you artists possess. This song and the intentionality behind its creation have moved me closer to the truth that I have, do, and am enough. Amen.

If you’re interested, you can find Three, as well as more from Sleeping at Last, in these places:

 

Three

Atlas Playlist (Collection of recent projects)

Lyric Video for Three

Sleeping At Last Podcast – Story Behind “Three”

 

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